When Colin J. Carlson decided to give letter grades to foxes, he had no idea what proverbial can of worms he was opening up.
You can’t introduce something like this to the Twitter world and not expect all of the internet-addicted weirdo’s to start reposting (us included, obviously). Colin’s since sincerely regretted his decision, stating that the new-found fame is too much to handle.
the fucking foxes have 22,000 notes on tumblr and multiple people have texted me god make it end already
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 15, 2017
He’s finally put his foot down.
STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY https://t.co/A3B0q5pHiN
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 14, 2017
The posts themselves were Twitter gold. Check out his hilarious take on different fox species below.
Colin J. Carlson’s insomnia was a gift to us all.
in the face of insomnia i will attempt to assign letter grades to the weird foxes. please stand by and watch this space for weird fox letter grades,, thank you
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
a disclaimer before i begin: i am not a fox expert nor do i know things about foxes. please correct me if i am wrong. however the letter grades will not be wrong. this is the definitive ranking
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Colin J. you are one tough judge. We respect that.
red fox (vulpes vulpes)
• the classic fox, the bar for foxness, a necessary prerequisite
• a good fox but NOT weird. weird-deficient. just a standard fox
• grade: B pic.twitter.com/FlZJlPA2lS— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Talk about being a blockhead 🙄.
tibetan sand fox (vulpes ferrilata)
• cubism is alive and well
• these eyes see into your soul
• a truly weird and unnerving fox design
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/rZMyh8zdlI— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
But what if a fox were made of spaghetti?!
Rüppell's fox (vulpes rueppellii)
• who authorized this transaction
• answers the question no one asked: what if a fox was made of spaghetti
• untrustworthy facial expressions
• potentially too deep in uncanny valley
• grade A- pic.twitter.com/Av410apcqr— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
This fox will leave you on read, then text you “wyd” at 2am.
corsac fox (vulpes corsac)
• when soft: god's perfect fox. the highest fox design. too good.
• when pointy and not soft: uncanny, weird eyes, harrowing stare
• grade: A+ pic.twitter.com/rFX8QUyeUC— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Damn, Colin J. Crushing on Blanford’s Fox much?
blanford's fox (vulpes cana)
• astounding ear:face:tail ratios at play
• strongly deviant from the main fox gestalt, doing its own thing
• lawful good, trustworthy face
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/afN54MVjdB— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Tbh this fox would probably kill it on Tinder.
kit fox (vulpes macrotis)
• i'll say it: they're trying too hard to be cute
• neither fox enough nor weird enough
• i'm making the unpopular call and taking a stand
• grade: C pic.twitter.com/eH684SfdC2— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
10/10 would agree with amateur fox expert Mr. Carlson.
bat-eared fox (otocyon megalotis)
• a return to weird fox form
• arguably the perfect deviant fox bauplane, doing it's own thing
• this fox answers to no one
• ears full of secrets?
• grade: A++. i will not be negotiated down from this. pic.twitter.com/gOOAXagm0F— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Seriously though who needs to try when you’re a Fennel Fox?
fennec fox (vulpes zerda)
• best latin name
• overhyped for cuteness
• clear and relatable attitude problem
• not even trying to be a fox anymore but still very foxy
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/PT6rZShiNc— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
His ears are perfect! Let him live, Colin J.
darwin's fox (lycalopex fulvipes)
• rounded, smoother 2.0 interface for canidae
• clearly not a fox but arguably superior
• ears too small. i'll say it
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/mAUk82Pn0p— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Basically, this non-fox needs to work on being a fox.
crab eating fox (cerdocyon thous)
• almost but not entirely unlike a fox
• crab eating, as a fox-deviant motif: rebellious
• sort of like a dog conceptually but not in practice
• could improve with a couple rounds of constructive criticism
• grade: B+ pic.twitter.com/k9AQEsvpXJ— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
We want to pet that soft boy. We don’t care that he’s a try-hard.
arctic fox (vulpes lagopus)
• clearly a soft boy and a very fox aesthetic
• here's the thing. it's trying too hard. it's playing you
• at the end of the day: this is just a desaturated fox
• good, a classic, but frankly unoriginal
• grade: B- pic.twitter.com/JEf5X0Zvrj— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
this is all of the fucked up fox's i know of; thanks pic.twitter.com/JzqON8GVnh
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
But don’t worry! He did bonus foxes!
by special request and appeal by @TheLabAndField a correction
blue morph arctic fox's:
• innovative, clearly not a mainstream fox
• i've never seen game of thrones but when i look at this fox i feel an emotion that i think is wanting to watch game of thrones
• grade: A pic.twitter.com/iSVxtJFCRv— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
Daaaaamn Boris!! Why are you my spirit animal though?
bonus bonus round: this fox named boris
• problematic
• will piss in your coffee
• deeply alarming to look at
• needs constant validation but hey man don't we all
• grade: A+ you're doing great sweetie(h/t @squilax_mcg)https://t.co/PzaTNyVBoc pic.twitter.com/65FFpnyDbC
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
We would 100% hire this fox to do some burgling.
bonus round #3: pale fox (vulpes pallida) h/t @DaniRabaiotti
• almost 0% foxlike in any capacity
• what is this shit. some kind of long dog. some kind of dog ferret
• probably sleek enough to rob a bank undetected so that's cool
• solid unproblematic ears
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/qbJnUmRpQm— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
This one looks as though a fox and a giraffe had a baby.
my notifications are 100% broken but by appeal from @TakimotoYama
bonus round #4: maned wolf (chrysocyon brachyurus)
• not a fox
• clearly wants to be a fox
• you know something. you know what. why's it so god damn tall
• i can't tell if it's photoshopped
• grade: A- pic.twitter.com/1k3QHGRmGC— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
We, too, often look much too sleepy.
by request from @IreneAdlerCal and @Renkindle
bonus round #5: island fox (urocyon littoralis)
• here's the truth. this is perfectly fox-shaped but too much so
• always look kinda sleepy which i do respect
• i have to make the hard call
• grade: B pic.twitter.com/yf7yWqJBkl— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 12, 2017
i'll say it. you're all too into foxes
— Colin J Carlson (@ColinJCarlson) November 15, 2017
We’re sorry, Colin J. Carlson. We know that by reposting your Tweets we’re doing exactly what you don’t want – it was just WAY TOO GOOD! Foxes forever!